Over the years, the old-timer-up-the-road has given me a lots of advice… albeit, mostly ridiculous advice, but advice nonetheless. “Never get involved with the mafia,” he whispered to me one day in the barn, peeking over the back of a cow. “Whaaaaat?” I replied incredulously, as my eyes rolled around a little. “Hush, girly,” was…
I was making my way down a dusty back road, minding my own business, when I was startled by an Unknown Flying Object that swooped down across the hood of my SUV. I hit the brakes, came to a stop and threw the vehicle in park. “Holy sh*t, was that a dog?” I blurted out…
Being a mom comes with those inevitable consequences, like that 10 lbs of “baby weight” that you still have 20 years after giving birth. Or, everything that you own gradually becoming the property of others. Not remembering your real name because all you ever hear is mom, Maaahhm, mom-mom-mom, mommy, MOMMMMMMM or my personal favorite,…
We’ve had a relatively mild winter here in my neck of the woods. That was until that pompous groundhog just HAD to put his two cents in and muck up the weather pattern. No sooner did he see his shadow last Thursday, then the snow started to fall, finally culminating today with another 12 inches.…
I’ve been sidelined with a nasty sinus infection since New Year’s Eve. Yesterday, I finally got a little spring back into my step and was able to do some grocery shopping and run a few errands. However, that was enough to exhaust my entire body. Achy and tired, I thought I’d take a nice soak…
Lately, I have lost all patience with people who I perceive as jackasses. And lately, I perceive everyone that I encounter as a jackass. So, you see, it’s a Catch-22. I blame this vicious circle on the hell fires of menopause, which seem to have charred every last synapse in my brain, leaving me totally…
Going to my Lyme Disease doctor isn’t fun. I’ve never come out of the exam room skipping like a school and twirling my hair, for the simple fact that chronic Lyme Disease is a bitch. No… it’s more than that. It’s a bitch on steroids… with an attitude problem and a set of brass knuckles.…
I should have went right back to bed this morning after I fumbled my toothbrush, sending it ricocheting off the sink and into the toilet. Instead, I stumbled through one debacle after another. After I fished out my toothbrush, I incinerated a bagel in the toaster because I was trying to kill a bee that…
After spending another sleepless night due to night sweats, seemingly fueled by the eternal fires of hell, I drug my fatigued and sweaty body out of bed to face the day. I turned on the TV to watch the news, and instead, was greeted by a commercial for a menopause supplement. The spokesperson cheerfully told…
Dear Range Rover Driver, Thank you for frantically waving your hands at me and banging your steering wheel while we waited at the red light that clearly stated NO TURN ON RED. I also appreciated you tailgating me while simultaneously texting on your cell phone and trying to shove a hamburger in your mouth. You were…
After being side-lined for several weeks with every virus and bacteria known to the medical establishment, my first order of business was to continue my quest for a well-fitting bra. Once again, I made the long trip to the mall. Consumed by desperation and a bra with no support, I decided that maybe it was…
It was the old timer up the road on the other end of the phone line. “Where the hell is your husband?” he demanded to know. “Same place he is everyday at this time… at work,” I barked back. “Get up here right now and bring a flashlight and the roof rake (a 10 ft…
After going through BRAmageddon, I was feeling a little worse for the wear. Nothing will give you a case of the body blues, like bra shopping. It’s quite a downer, looking in the mirror at yourself, and seeing that your boobs look like ten miles of bad road because they’re all jacked up in an…
The bra situation has become desperate lately. Most have lost their powers of containment, and are tenuously hanging on by the last hook and eye. It was time for the “Try and Find a Bra Without Breaking Down in the Fitting Room” annual marathon. Bra shopping is one of my least favorite activities – it’s…
I made an effort last night to catch up on the important news of the last several days. As I perused, pondered and poured over the disconcerting happenings around the world, this piece of paramount publishing appeared before my eyes… 18 Things You Should Never Put In Your Vagina Seriously? Were we all that uneducated…
The Farmers in the Dell 