The “entertainment reporter” was carrying on and on about a certain actress who’s done this and that and more of this and that and how she’s “hit her stride” with her current project. So, as I stood in the shower this morning, fishing my daughter’s long hair out of the drain, I got to thinking…
“Is it hot in here or is it just me?” I ask my daughter, hoping she’s going to tell me that it is, in fact, NOT me and it is actually 279 degrees in the house. “Nooooo, it’s YOU!” she whines back, without ever looking up from her phone to make sure that I’m not…
Ugh. It’s been one of those days. I awoke at 4am to an overpowering smell of skunk. “NO, no, no, no, nah no!” my brain was screaming. “Too late,” my nose was saying. Now, if you’ve never smelled skunk close up, than you’re lucky. It smells nothing like the skunk smell you are used to when…
I have decided to embrace my age. Gray hairs – check Sagging boobs – double check Menopause – hell, yeah! Reading glasses – yup Cellulite – bring it on, baby A chin hair… C.h.i.n. H.a.i.r CHIN HAIR?????? Errrrrrrrrrrr…. boom! My grandmother had chin hair. This discovery is worse than the time I got jumper…
Fall is just around the corner and the trees on the farm are heavy with apples. A gluten for punishment, I picked 4-5 bushels and got down to canning applesauce. After chopping and slicing and dicing, I filled a 22 quart pot with apples and began my first batch of sauce. Making applesauce is quite…
I had just walked outside with a basket full of laundry to hang on the clothesline, when the old timer from up the road came roaring up the driveway. He needed baler twine because he was making some sort of trap to catch the “damn varmint” that was getting into his corn. I pointed him…
One of my earliest childhood memories is the kitchen of my paternal grandmother. It was a tiny room with baby blue walls and a hulking white enamel, coal fired stove. A harvest gold refrigerator sat catty-corner across from the stove and was always filled with Hershey’s fudge pops. And next to the fridge, were two…
We call him “The Jumper.” He’s a gazelle disguised as a bull-calf Hereford. He can leap tall buildings in a single bound. He is the bane of my existence. Throughout the years, there have been many, MANY calves born on this farm. All have been well mannered and easy going… except for “The Jumper.” He…
Pigs. They are deceiving. They look like a 1971 Ford Pinto, have the speed of a cheetah and are harder to hang onto than a bull at a rodeo. It was time to muck out the pig stall, which means I have to get the big wheelbarrow in the pen without losing a pig. My…
I’ve shoveled a ton of sh*t in my days – cow, dog, goat, donkey, and even some from a septic tank (I’m referring to the cell phone incident of 2013, but that’s a story for another day). Pig sh*t is hardcore – it’s not for the faint of heart. And since it was my idea to…
I love to grow cherry tomatoes. But they would perplex me every year. Within minutes of picking them, I would have half a basket of split tomatoes. So when the old timer up the road ordered me to get up to his house to test his homemade wine, I made a mental note to pick…
Sometimes I wonder why I do this gardening thing. Just when I get one problem in control and things are looking good – BAM! Almost overnight, early blight sinks its dirty little spores into my heirloom tomatoes. And now… {cue dramatic music} I am in the midst of total tomato turmoil. Early tomato blight usually…
Nipples. Everybody’s got ’em. If I want to see them, I can just look in the mirror. No big deal. They are, after all, just nips. However, I do not like being constantly bombarded by them. Popping up all over. Slippin’ out. I understand that a well-placed nip can be a very powerful tool, capable…
THE “HERE A PIG, THERE A PIG, EVERYWHERE A PIG, PIG” INCIDENT The piglets arrived. I quickly learned that they are deceivingly fast – I mean NASCAR fast. And nearly as impossible to catch. You wouldn’t think that a big-eared, fat-bodied, stumpy legged animal could have such an unbelievable amount of horsepower under the hood…
Why am I posting a picture of my JACKASS? Please, read on… Four hours. FOUR hours spent on the phone, being transferred from one government agency to another. Two hours on hold. TWO hours listening to the same 132 second music soundbite. Over and over and over. 54 times. Yes, I counted. After one hour…
