Lately, I have lost all patience with people who I perceive as jackasses. And lately, I perceive everyone that I encounter as a jackass. So, you see, it’s a Catch-22.  I blame this vicious circle on the hell fires of menopause, which seem to have charred every last synapse in my brain, leaving me totally and utterly incapable of maintaining any level of patience.

Today was a wild, menopausal roller coaster ride of impatience, agitation, intolerance and frustration that went a little like this…

Get to sleep at 4:30 am due to a raging case of insomnia – check.

Unconsciously threaten to kill your husband with a shovel if he doesn’t stop snoring – so sorry, check.

Wake up 3 hours later to start the day all over again – check.

Try to unclog the shower drain, while in the shower, because none of the five million people who took a shower before you bothered to tell you the drain was clogged – double check.

Forget to bring a towel in the bathroom – damn it, check.

Slip on the tile floor and wrench your back as you run through the house dripping wet and naked – son of a b*tch, check.

Wash the same load of laundry for the third time because no one in the house can understand the giant sign, written in thick, red marker that specifically says “PLEASE PUT LAUNDRY IN DRYER” – ugh, check.

Roll down the window and scream at the lady behind you because she honked her horn while at a red light with a sign that clearly states no turn on red – check, check and CHECK.

Finally catch the culprit from the city who’s been letting his dogs use the town park as their private toilet and threaten to feed everyone to the coyotes if he ever returns – BIG check.

Lock yourself in the bathroom and sit in the dark for 15 minutes while you try and bring down your blood pressure and then receive the 5,162nd political phone call of the day – namaste, check.

Realize that you need to take a deep breath and just freaking relax because you’re not really crazy, but instead have a malfunctioning hypothalamus that causes brief periods of insanity – BOOM, big red check.